theakumakaibatsu:

I find backtracking to be a tedious thing so this would work better with inbox so I know for certain that I haven’t missed it. Two of your questions seem to go hand in hand with one another so after consideration, I have decided to answer them both.

If there was the off chance of fate beating me…

Hm. I think I might agree with you to a certain extent about the future thing. I live a week at a time, that’s all. I totally agree about the world imploding upon itself. No great loss there.

My computer died for a while. Now it’s working.

How’s your hobby with the statues going?

And I can’t find the mail link on your page, so I can’t write you.

theakumakaibatsu:

Gene isn’t extremely attached in the way lets say Tosh was. Solely dependent upon me for their every thought or move. He’s stated his wishes and just sort of left it at that, he doesn’t bring it up all the time or every time we speak its not our topic of choice. Still knowing that is what he wants…

I asked some questions but did not reblog them on this. They’re sitting on the Batsu page. If you read them and are choosing not to answer, that’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you knew I’d put at least a bit of effort out there.

You know that there are things I want to know, but I know that you will not tell me, so that sort of makes it harder.

I looked up “Interesting questions to ask” on Google, looking for inspiration. One kind of question found on lists is just so… pompous, I think is the word I’m looking for.  For example, “Which is worse, failing or never trying.” “Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?” “You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?”

These questions are leading and are aimed at one answer. If you say, “Never trying. Doing things right. Say nothing so they’ll like me,” those are understood to be the wrong answers, so there’s not much of a chance that the questioned individual would answer as such.

The other type of question is the inane, “fourth-grader doing an interview” kind of question, like “What’s the most-played song on your iPod?” or “What celebrity have people told you that you look like?”  Or the potentially flirtatious, dare-you-to-say-something-sexual questions like “What is your favorite body part?”

*sigh*

So, after careful consideration, here are the few questions (out of my own head; the internet was completely useless to me) I thought were not going to be outright ignored by you for being too personal or too utterly ridiculous.

Not so much right now, but at times in my past, I have questioned whether I was truly accepting of death.  I thought I was, but I wasn’t sure.  The one way I could think of to be sure was if I were to somehow contract a terminal disease, like stage 4 cancer. Would I be happy? Would I fight it? I don’t know. I wanted it to happen just so I’d know if I had truly given up on life. The question is: If you were to die in, idk, 6 months or so, and you knew it, would you regret it or embrace it?

What was/is your attraction to role play? Is it just the creative writing side of it, or is it more the blind companionship of it?

If you could kill the person from your past who you feel has wronged you the most, would you? Would you feel anything about it? Are you sure?

Can you picture yourself at 65? I can’t. I refuse to think of myself at that old. I couldn’t even see to 30 when I was in my 20’s, and 40 isn’t too far away now but I pretend not to see it.  Can you see a grey-haired Malum In Se/ Oremammon/ Kaibatsu, or do you see yourself dying before then? Or, like me, is it just a grey fog, there is nothing in the future?

Out of curiosity, how’s the blackout situation? Ongoing?

I’ll see what else comes to me.  Since we haven’t been talking much, it makes it slightly harder to think of relevant questions, since they often grow out of discussions. 

Will get back to you on the questions.

theakumakaibatsu:

theakumabatsu:

But then, in his mind, shouldn’t everyone kill themselves? There really is nothing to live for if you think about it.  Some people just haven’t accepted that. Or is it just the people who have accepted it who should kill themselves?  I don’t understand. 

Talking like this is slow and difficult, so asking more than one question at a time might seem like a good idea. I know, though, that you will only answer one if I ask more than one. So I rest with the above question and hope I remember where my train of thought is currently carrying me when next we speak.

Gene is the type of controlling person that has an offset of paranoia, therefore killing himself at any given point without notice is his way of controlling his mortality. In short his logic would be to kill himself before circumstances can. Although I know for certain that I am simply biding my time I also see no point in dying right now either. I would rather do nothing with the option of doing more in the future if I choose, rather than doing nothing permanently. That is my sense of control so in this case we are polar opposites.

His argument over my selfishness at this point is invalid. He claims that I’m keeping him alive despite his wanting to die. I told him that he’s using me as an excuse to never really do it, he wants to die he just doesn’t want to die alone. I explained that his irrational way of thinking is hypocritical at best, in truth he doesn’t really want to die if he’s willing to wait on me. Whether we die in the same room or not in the end he is still going to be alone so what does it matter?

Is he extremely attached to you? He must be if you are being “selfish” by not giving him a double suicide. He’s absolutely using you as an excuse.  Is it annoying to you?

As for the option of doing more in the future if you choose, I… I don’t know how to say it, exactly.  Just, sometimes you say things that are exactly completely right.  That’s my life right there in those sentences. I have to laugh. After all this time, your way with words is still right up my alley.

theakumakaibatsu:

theakumabatsu:

theakumakaibatsu:

theakumabatsu:

Again, I ask the question “is that good or bad?” Did bouncing ideas off him get rid of some potentially harmful scenarios, or did it open you up for even darker ones?

Gene has preconceived notions about death and why I’m delaying the inevitable. As much as I hate to admit it I think the superficial terms that I’m living under are only excuses. I’m biding my time because I know the end result. 

That’s the same of everyone, I suppose. It’s when people are depressed or have little to live for that they don’t see much of a reason to fight the inevitable. That statement sounds like I am preaching; however, I assure you that I am not. I have reached a point where while I am not driven to hurt myself due to mental disease, I see little point in continuing to try. What are your thoughts on these notions of Gene’s? Are you actively suicidal, or just seeing no reason to pretend?

There is no grey area for me when it comes to suicide, so I have never attempted and failed. Any time I actually went through with it there was always some intervention by someone else. In his mind I should just do so now, well more or less with him. 

But then, in his mind, shouldn’t everyone kill themselves? There really is nothing to live for if you think about it.  Some people just haven’t accepted that. Or is it just the people who have accepted it who should kill themselves?  I don’t understand. 

Talking like this is slow and difficult, so asking more than one question at a time might seem like a good idea. I know, though, that you will only answer one if I ask more than one. So I rest with the above question and hope I remember where my train of thought is currently carrying me when next we speak.

theakumakaibatsu:

theakumabatsu:

Again, I ask the question “is that good or bad?” Did bouncing ideas off him get rid of some potentially harmful scenarios, or did it open you up for even darker ones?

Gene has preconceived notions about death and why I’m delaying the inevitable. As much as I hate to admit it I think the superficial terms that I’m living under are only excuses. I’m biding my time because I know the end result. 

That’s the same of everyone, I suppose. It’s when people are depressed or have little to live for that they don’t see much of a reason to fight the inevitable. That statement sounds like I am preaching; however, I assure you that I am not. I have reached a point where while I am not driven to hurt myself due to mental disease, I see little point in continuing to try. What are your thoughts on these notions of Gene’s? Are you actively suicidal, or just seeing no reason to pretend?

theakumabatsu:

theakumakaibatsu:

theakumabatsu:

Is it good or bad?

Its never good. But its also not the worst thing that I have ever done.

Sometimes thoughtless acts can turn out interesting or at least funny. But you’re right, I should have foreseen that it would not be…

Again, I ask the question “is that good or bad?” Did bouncing ideas off him get rid of some potentially harmful scenarios, or did it open you up for even darker ones?

theakumakaibatsu:

theakumabatsu:

Is it good or bad?

Its never good. But its also not the worst thing that I have ever done.

Sometimes thoughtless acts can turn out interesting or at least funny. But you’re right, I should have foreseen that it would not be good.

Something to do with your friend who was visiting?

Is it good or bad?

oremammon:

theakumabatsu:

oremammon:

I find myself in a pile up recently, nothing is finished. My living room is in ruins after the sudden urge to reconstruct the shop table that Gene and I tried to build over a year ago. Its made completely of metal and reminds me of the sort of table one would find at the morgue. Actually that is…

How’s the going away party going? Just loud, or loud and destructive?

For now its just loud, hopefully they wont put up much of a fight when its time to actually vacate their apartment.

It seems like they would have the police called on them frequently no matter where they live. This being the case, it seems like leading such a militant lifestyle would make everyday living very difficult. So I was struck: is it admirable to live true to one’s beliefs even when it makes one’s life hard, even if said beliefs are deplorable? I can’t decide.

oremammon:

I find myself in a pile up recently, nothing is finished. My living room is in ruins after the sudden urge to reconstruct the shop table that Gene and I tried to build over a year ago. Its made completely of metal and reminds me of the sort of table one would find at the morgue. Actually that is…

How’s the going away party going? Just loud, or loud and destructive?

theakumabatsu:

oremammon:

The effect might be cumulative as well. It’s probably hard for lungs to remove metal by coughing.

oremammon:

theakumabatsu:

oremammon:

theakumabatsu:

Why? Fluorescent bulbs?

Exactly that, lucky guess?

It was just the only thing I could think of that might create a feeling like that. Does it make you cough while it’s happening?

Not at the time but I’m assuming that taking in deep breaths caused this end result. While I’m healing it should clear up.

Almost certainly. Did the same things happen the other times you’ve done it?